All strings attached: the magic of relationships system awareness

What would be possible if strings really were attached to the people we lead and work with?

Relationships are one life’s main organizing principles. We are in a relationship with everything and everyone around us, all the time. I’d go as far as to say that our lives and our work can only ever be as rewarding as our relationships.

Effective leadership requires us to strike a balance between our ability to achieve business goals and nurture healthy relationships that build thriving cultures. It’s this relational aspect of leadership that makes everyone feel included, valued and a unique part of something bigger, within which leadership is a collective and shared responsibility. Performance is a by-product of relationships, not vice versa.

At a human level, there are three primary relationships: with the self; with another individual and with a collective — a group, team or family, for example. In Organizations Relationships Systems Coaching (ORSC) we use the string exercise with teams to equip the participants with a novel transformative ‘felt sense’: a unique bodily awareness of the systemic nature of ‘being in relationship’, and the different kinds of emotional intelligences each relationship involves.

The body offers its own unique intelligence and wisdom, immediate and not mischievously corrupted by the mind. When we attune to it, when we listen to it, it reveals what the mind cannot grasp. That’s what makes an onsite experiential workshop exponentially more effective than an online one. There is a magic that is created solely by the vibrational energy of our body, movement and voice; our presence is unique, both individually as well as within the collective.

The string exercise has three steps, each corresponding to awareness of the three relationships: the self, me plus you, and group/system/team.

Step one: The self, its system within, and our EQ

Each of us is an individual system, made of many parts, which are in constant relationship with one another. Imagine your inner self like a unique universe, with many constellations and planets, all in a dynamic relationship with one another.

To feel their way into their own system we ask participants to hold a piece of string — one end in each hand — and start playing with it. Each hand represents a different part within us; maybe two different perspectives we might have on something, on someone, on our own self. For example, we might be considering a new work opportunity: one part of us, one voice within, is excited; the other voice is afraid, and so on.

The string represents our inner dialogue, which can be constructive and balanced, or uneven and unpleasant. There are infinite possibilities. A clue is how the two hands are in relationship with each other. Are they working cooperatively between themselves, or not? We ask participants to imagine that the left hand wants to pull the string over to the left and the right wants to pull it to the right. How does that feel? What is it like for them to play and explore their inner self through their hands? What is the ‘felt’ experience?

This ‘relationship awareness’ with the self and its many dimensions — self-awareness — is the bridge to developing our emotional intelligence, known as EQ (the ability to recognize, understand, and manage our own emotions).

Step two: Me plus you — the third entity, and our ESI

Now we ask team members to find a partner and connect their strings together — in silence, in their own way — so they are eventually holding onto the ends of their own string with each hand. The string now represents their interdependence, their relationship to one another, while their willingness to hold onto the string is their commitment to the relationship. Participants are encouraged to have a conversation with each other — but in silence — through the string and their bodily felt sense. When we listen to the energy, vibration and intention of the other’s string, we are having a conversation — one without words. We are in a relationship with one another.

We ask participants to notice who is active and who is less so. What happens in this partnership when they pull the string or let it go completely? They are asked to share what they noticed: what does it feel like to be working with this person? Collaborative? Tense? Fun? What happens when one pulls the string or holds it loosely?

Through this experience, participants explore what’s known as Emotional Social Intelligence or ‘ESI’ (essentially, ‘me plus you’). This different level of relationship awareness asks that we connect and empathize with the feelings of others, and understand their perspective. There’s more: each time they play the string exercise with someone else, their experience will be different, as each time two unique individuals come together, they bring into being a ‘third entity’ — an invisible, living, breathing entity, greater than the sum of the two people involved.

Relationships systems are like living organisms in a constant state of emergence: changing, evolving, transforming moment by moment. The more socially intelligent we are, the more emotionally intelligent we become.

Step Three: From the Me to the We — from Ego to Eco-system

This step (pictured) supports participants to experience the felt sense of ‘system awareness’ in a larger group — a more complex ‘third entity’ than the one described in step two. We ask the team — essentially a system of interdependent players with a common purpose and unique identity — to build a web with all their strings, while holding silence. The web represents their complex relationship system, their interdependence; their willingness to hold onto the string is their commitment to the relationship.

We ask them to imagine catching an object using the web, and observe how the system responds. What is the ideal tension? The magic really happens when we put a notebook in the middle of the web, symbolizing the team’s common purpose. Then we ask them to play and observe how the system collaborates.

As the coach asks someone to let go of their string, the team immediately feels the impact. What happens to the common purpose when someone disengages? When they let go of the string? The team will (or won’t) figure out what needs to happen to compensate. The possible reactions are infinite. It’s always interesting for them to notice how they respond to tension, crisis or a very challenging new task, and whether they’ll be able to hold onto their purpose.

At the conclusion of the exercise everyone drops their strings. Now they should be able to feel the invisible strings connecting them — the interdependence between themselves and the whole. A renewed sense of meaning and belonging emerges, as they become aware of the crucial role each individual plays in the system. They can more easily imagine the other strings they have interwoven in their lives and consider their impact. They can visualize themselves as part of an immense web or constellation of interdependent relationships, in which everything they do has a ripple effect. And they understand that, in order to develop a sense of collective leadership, responsibility and accountability, they must be intentional about what they bring into the system.

This last segment of the string exercise helps in developing awareness of a third kind of emotional intelligence: Relationship system intelligence (RSI). As described in ORSC, RSI ‘includes and transcends emotional and social intelligence’. It is the ability to sense and understand the ‘emotional field’ of the system. This allows a shift from the individual perspective to a systems perspective. From, ‘Where am I?’, to ‘Where is the system/us now?’ From ‘What I need’, to what the system needs, wants and dreams, etc.

When, as team members, we develop RSI, we are able to see and to respond consciously and intentionally to what’s happening within the system; not just in ourselves (EQ) or between us and another person (ESI), but to what unfolds minute by minute in our own group, team, organization or community. In this third kind of relationship we reorient ourselves toward something bigger, larger than ourselves (the relationship system); the duality of me versus you, or me versus them dissolves.

The string exercise is a metaphorical felt sense experience that reminds us of how important it is to develop all kinds of awareness and emotional intelligences; of the self (EQ), me plus you (ESI) and system intelligence (RSI), and in this sequence. Conscious change starts from within ourselves and moves without — from understanding the systemic, dynamic and interconnected nature of these three relationships.

Emotions are energy in motion, and being emotionally intelligent is vital, in all life dimensions. Relationships are about strings being attached; how we hold ourselves, others and what’s in the middle — the purpose we share; the third entity we’re creating or contributing to. We are leading together; we are in the boat together, and co-responsible for how we lean, and lead in all weather conditions.

Becoming an effective leader actually aligns with becoming a great human being; it’s about mastering the relationship with the self first — between the left hand and the right hand. We begin by working on ourselves so that, when we join our strings together, we can help and lead others from a place of self awareness, dignity and self-acceptance.

To learn more about my practice and system inspired leadership coaching please keep in touch, and subscribe to my newsletter. More will be shared in future articles, so please follow me on Linkedin and Instagram namah_and_partners. And if you found this article helpful, please do pass it along. Thank you!

Interested in ORSC? Visit CRRUK and contact Nairy McMahon to learn about their training courses and certifications. To learn more about emotional intelligence, follow Daniel Goleman and his compelling body of work.

Many thanks to the global leadership team at Unite for letting me use the images above to illustrate the string exercise. These pictures perfectly convey the enthusiasm and commitment you brought to the workshop. A heartfelt thank you all for traveling from different places in Europe as well as from Bhutan!