Who we are in conflict matters

In my late twenties, hearing the word ‘conflict’ would trigger a flight or freeze response in me. It literally terrified me. I later learned I belonged to the category of ‘conflict avoider’, especially at work. My younger and insecure professional self was extremely uncomfortable with being in, or even sensing, any kind of disagreement or confrontation. I would bend forward and backward, pleasing everyone and adjusting to everything.

Being an avoider actually served me relatively well. My willingness to flex and accommodate others’ needs meant I was considered by my team to be very good at dealing with difficult situations or challenging clients. However, any strength has the potential to become a weakness, when overused or taken too far. Long-term, my conflict avoidance came with some downsides. I wasn’t facing and resolving problems at their core. I wasn’t building strong and authentic relationships, and, despite delivering great results, I wasn’t being as effective as a leader as I could have been.

Eventually, in my early forties, when my role and leadership responsibilities grew, I educated myself and worked on my relationship with conflict. The first step in my journey was to become aware of who I was in conflict; my impact and responsibility in it. In hindsight, I wish I’d heeded the call much earlier on. I wish I’d had the foresight to hire a coach to help me and my team become more intelligent, resourceful and creative at handling ourselves in conflict. In the last decade, I’ve become the leadership coach and mediator I wish I had hired then, for myself and my company. From a conflict avoider I’ve grown into an accredited mediator, and organisations relationship systems coach. Alignment coaching is at the core of my practice. I support and train individuals and teams in the skills and competences required to transform conflict into triumphs, or, at the very least, into opportunities for growth and positive change for the parties involved. My avoider still lingers in the background, but I know which parts are strengths, and which are weaknesses, and when and where to let each lead, consciously and intentionally.

“Harmony is a wonderful thing but not nearly as powerful as awareness”
– Arnold Mindel

Conflict is a challenging part of everyone’s everyday lives. It is as normal and as inevitable as change. In fact, conflict and change are often interrelated. Our relationship with conflict is informed by personality, family history, culture and our overall mindset, and dictates how we respond when we find ourselves in challenging situations. If we think of managing conflict as a spectrum, some people avoid it altogether, others are able to deal with conflict and resolve it, and some — unconsciously or consciously — create conflict in all dimensions of their lives. Knowing who we are in conflict matters; it is one of the first stepping stones to learning how to manage it productively.

LEADING TOGETHER IN CONFLICT

Whether we are at the helm of a company or a team, we need to become not only conflict intelligent but rather masterful at it. When conflict is left unresolved, it leads to a lack of productivity, increased absenteeism and higher turnover. An estimated 80% of employees worldwide experiencing unresolved conflict are disengaged from their work. The human and financial cost is immeasurable.

How we handle conflict defines our lives, our relationships, and our leadership. Unfortunately no one teaches conflict resolution in schools, nor trains us in the mindset and skills to reconcile differences and resolve issues, while preserving and strengthening our relationships. What a missed opportunity, and at what cost?

Conflict is not inherently negative, and when we are able to manage and resolve it skillfully, it becomes the midwife to constructive change. We can then harvest its transformational function to foster diversity, inclusion and creativity. This is particularly crucial in the current business and global environment, to tackle the extremely complex and uncertain times we are navigating.

Heeding the call to resolve conflict amicably is a rewarding journey that always pays off, individually and collectively. However, our primary responsibility is working on ourselves first. Becoming aware of who we are in conflict,is the critical first step. We must understand how we react to it, the role we play in it, and the responsibility we take for it.

This article is the first of a series dedicated to conflict. It’s divided into three interrelated parts:

• The first focuses on a self-coaching exercise examining our relationship with conflict.

• The second asks us to examine the role we play in conflict.

• The third looks at how we can manage ourselves in conflict.

I’ll pose some questions, and I encourage you to reflect and journal as you read. Take your time, and let the information in each section digest, before moving on. My hope is to help you shift your relationship with conflict so that you can then navigate it proactively, with curiosity, vision, and a sense of purpose.

PART ONE: WHERE DO YOU STAND IN RELATIONSHIP TO CONFLICT?

Our relationship with conflict is informed by personality, family history, culture and our overall mindset, and dictates how we respond when we find ourselves in challenging situations.

One of the first exercises I run with groups is to ask people where they stand in relation to conflict. It’s a felt exercise, intuitive and so very insightful. It’s called ‘constellation’. I place a card bearing the word ‘conflict’ on the floor, and ask clients to ‘constellate’ the floor. This means deliberately placing themselves in relationship to the card, whereby the distance and orientation toward conflict describe their personal relationship with it. Imagine now you are in that room with me…

Reflection and journaling: 

Where would you place yourself in this constellation? 

(Remember, distance from the center – where conflict is – and orientation – looking towards or away from conflict, or standing with your back to it – are key.)

• How does it feel to stand where you are?

• What is your body telling you? 

• What are your thoughts?

• What are the benefits of standing where you are? 

• What is the cost of standing where you are? 

• What are you noticing here?

• Which different position would be the most challenging for you?

• And finally, which one would represent a small and achievable stretch, and why? 

Now, still imagining yourself in the constellation, read the roles below and consider which feels most like you. 

PART TWO: WHICH ROLES DO YOU PLAY IN CONFLICT?

“….because if you are the mess, you can clean it. Improvement doesn’t depend on others”― Arbinger Institute, The Anatomy of Peace

How we feel about conflict, and how we relate to it affects the role we play in it. Below is a list of eight roles. Each one has much to do with our relative sense of power and responsibility in the relationship system we inhabit and the specific circumstances. Each role is actually trying to help us; they are driven by a need, and a belief. In some roles we are more reactive, in others more ‘response-able’, either moving toward, against, or away from people and conflict itself.

It’s important to understand that roles belong to us but also to the system itself. We might adopt different roles in different systems depending on what is ‘default’ for us, and what roles are available or required by the situation. For instance, we might be a ‘confronter’ in our professional team, and a ‘compromiser’ in our family setting, or vice versa. Whichever roles we adopt, have an impact on us and also on our relationships.

This is not an exhaustive list of roles; there are many more. But these eight will help jumpstart important conversations or reflections about conflict.

Competitors:
People who pursue their own goals and interests without much consideration for others. They tend to have a win-lose mentality. They are not afraid of conflict, and often see it as an opportunity for self gain.

• Movement: Toward conflict and against others.

• Pros: Quick decision-making, assertiveness.

• Cons: Damages relationships, may lead to resentment.

Avoiders:
People who prefer to avoid conflict altogether. They may ignore the issue, change the subject, or physically remove themselves from the situation. They are often afraid of facing any situation entailing confrontation or disagreement. They believe that by avoiding conflict they can stay safe

• Movement: Away from others

• Pros: Maintains peace in the short term, reduces tension.

• Cons: Issues may fester and escalate, leading to long-term problems.

Accommodators:
People who believe that by yielding to the other party’s wishes or perspective they can maintain harmony. They prioritise relationships over personal goals.

• Movement: Towards others, with a strong need to belong and to please.

• Pros: Preserves relationships, fosters cooperation.

• Cons: Personal needs may be neglected, potential for resentment.

Compromisers:
People who prioritise finding a middle ground in which both parties give up something, to reach a mutually acceptable solution.

• Movement: Towards others, valuing harmony and relationships.

• Pros: Encourages cooperation, addresses some concerns of both parties.

• Cons: May not fully satisfy either party, requires negotiation skills.

Confronters:
People who directly address the issue or disagreement, often with a focus on finding a resolution.

• Movement: Towards or against others, depending on how able they are to manage conflict amicably and sensitively.

• Pros: Can lead to problem-solving, prevents avoidance.

• Cons: Requires courage, may escalate tensions if not handled skillfully.

Withdrawers:
Similar to avoiders, people who may withdraw emotionally from the conflict, becoming disengaged and distant.

• Movement: Tends to move away from conflict and others.

• Pros: Provides emotional distance, prevents immediate escalation.

• Cons: May lead to disconnection and unresolved issues.

Assertives:
People who express their needs, thoughts and feelings openly and directly without infringing on the rights of others.

• Movement: Neither towards, against or away from others. Stays open and centred in their self-worth.

• Pros: Promotes honest communication, self-empowerment.

• Cons: May come off as aggressive to some, requires effective communication skills.

Collaborators:
People who work together to find a win-win solution that addresses the needs and concerns of all parties. They are skilled at creating a healthy ground to reconcile differences and resolve issues productively.

• Movement: Towards others.

• Pros: Fosters creativity, builds strong relationships.

• Cons: Requires time, self-mastery, communication and conflict resolution skills, as well as mutual trust.

P.S.: This is the ideal role we want to grow into!

Reflection and journaling:

Think about a recent conflict…

• Which role from the one above do you mostly identify with?

• How was this role trying to serve you?

• Were you moving forward, away, or against others?

• What's the underlying belief behind this role? 

• How old are you when you're playing this role? (just think when you started using it in your life…)

• Which role would you like to adopt instead?

• What would be the new belief supporting the new role? 

• What would then change, for you in the team or relationship?
  
  Another perspective on roles — one that I have personally found to be extremely insightful — is known as the “Karpman triangle”. It helps us to understand the dysfunctional dynamic that can also fuel conflict, and how we can fall unconsciously into three roles: perpetrator, rescuer and victim. I’ll talk about this more in the next article in this series.

PART THREE: HOW CAN YOU MANAGE OURSELVES IN CONFLICT?

“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate” ― C.G. Jung

As Jung said, it’s only when we bring the unconscious into consciousness that we can direct our lives. In conflict, that means understanding what is beneath our immediate reaction so that we can then choose who we want to ‘be’ and what we want to ‘do’. The being must precede the doing, as it’s our inner state upon which the success of our response depends.

How can we possibly manage conflict if we cannot manage ourselves first?

Becoming aware of how we react to conflict is the beginning of the journey to break the behavioural pattern in which we repeat ourselves and fall into the same role over and over again. Simply noticing when and what makes us feel triggered, is paramount. Curiosity casts away fears. When you feel 'triggered', try asking yourself:

What do I find challenging or stressful?
When do I perceive differences or disagreements as threats?

Personally, being curious about what’s happening within me is key. When I feel triggered I stop and ask myself:

What’s in my mind? What are my emotions? What are the signals in my body?
When we, the observer, become the observed, we gain immediate relief. We are able to look at ourselves and the situation more objectively, and choose our response.

Conflict and disagreement are coloured by negative emotions, such as anxiety, fear, discomfort, etc. These emotions can trigger a ‘fight, flight, freeze or fawn’ response. We can’t get far on the path to amicable conflict resolutions when we are in one of these emotional states. When we feel triggered we must learn how to shift our inner state from this negative 'reactive' response (fight, flight, freeze or fawn), first to a neutral state, then ideally to a creative state. This is called a ‘Broaden and build’ response. Within this state, we can be intentional about how we want to be, and the role we want to play. This is what I call ‘being creative’.

Our creative self is responsive, balanced, focused and has a conscious intention of the impact we want to have. It’s not only a mental and emotional state, but it also means having our heart at peace. Here, we’re fully present and open to what is happening; aware of our emotions and able to manage them intelligently. This allows us to become ‘response-able’: we can tap into our resourcefulness and creativity to purposefully choose our path forward. Lao Tzu said that 'mastering others is strength, mastering yourself is true power'.

CONCLUSION: FROM SEPARATION TO SOLIDARITY

“We work on ourselves in order to help others; but we also help others in order to work on ourselves” — Pema Chödrön

How do we, as a team, behave when in conflict? A few years ago while running a workshop dedicated to conflict with a team, a participant shared a wish as a question to her colleagues:

“What if we could take care of each other, even during conflict?”

We were all deeply moved by this. I still am, while writing. What would be possible if, in conflict, we commit to looking after the needs of others as much as our own? This would be possible only through a complete shift in mindset: from transactional to relational; from lose-win to win-win; from individual gain (egocentric), to collective gain (eco-centric); from short- to long-term sustainability of the relationship system.

Working on who we are in conflict with self-care and self-compassion is the first step to being able to offer those conditions to others during challenging situations. Who we choose to be and the role we play in conflict, matters.

As the late business leader Bill O’Brien said, ‘The success of the intervention depends on the inner condition of the intervener’. There are important steps in successful conflict resolution, however, if we haven’t previously worked on our inner state — recognizing our reactive tendency and managing ourselves consciously and intentionally — those steps are taken in vain. ‘Being’ must happen before ‘doing’ — this is the primary focus of creative leadership. The state of our mind, body, and heart is the first focus to give constructive change, and peace, a chance.

When I run this workshop with teams, I invite members to step onto emotionally complex ground. Imagine sharing the deep insights you had while reading this article with the people you work with. It takes courage (‘cour’ — heart, and ‘rage’, which is another word for passion) and being open to being vulnerable with your colleagues. The result is something of a paradox: even if people perceive themselves to be in a position of vulnerability, they come to understand the strength in seeing each other clearly, and also being seen and accepted in return . They look around and realize they are, in fact, in the same boat, navigating the same storm, and the way through it is by working together.

A powerful question that teams often don’t ask themselves is:
How do we want to be together and behave when conflict arises?

It’s transformative to come to the realization that most of our reactions are unconscious. In a certain sense this work sparks a collective awakening of how infinitely interconnected we are. A space opens for empathy, connection and co-responsibility. The shift from the ‘me’ to the ‘we’, to ‘all of us’ happens naturally. We realize that choosing who we want to be and how we want to behave in conflict needs to be both an individual and collective practice that benefits everyone, and the outcomes we can achieve together. When as a team, we are skilled at managing and resolving conflict, our collective leadership is wiser, more creative and resourceful. When we understand that we are not alone, and belong to something bigger than ourselves, we become stronger than the sum of our parts.

To discuss working on conflict with your team or within your relationships, or to organize a talk on any of the topics within this article, please email me on roberta@namahandpartners.com.

Let’s connect on Linkedin and Instagram.

Recommended reading: "The Anatomy of Peace" , The Arbinger Institute